The Stillness of a Beating Heart

"Why Lord?" she whispered. "Why is this so hard? What am I supposed to do with these feelings? Take them away if they're not from You." ~ Shannon, Boy Meets Girl (Joshua Harris)

She found herself on her knees, with her forehead pressed against her bedroom floor, uttering the same words. She has been crying for as long as she can remember. This is the first time she ever prayed like that. In fact, this is the first time she ever prayed for a guy, or about a guy, whichever way you put it. She's been bothered by thoughts of him for weeks already, and it drove her crazy. She went to sleep thinking of him, and woke up just the same. Her mind just kept on wandering off to his direction. Night after night, she kept on praying for something to happen. And night after night, she waited in vain. But what was it exactly that she was waiting for? Is it the reciprocation of her extreme liking? Or the eradication of it?

She's been through a lot. In fact, while waiting for Mr. Right, she already met Mr. Fake, Mr. Rude and Mr. Player. She's been the rebound, the challenge, the fallback, the other girl. She's been the mistake and the correction. She became tired of giving away parts of her heart to people who didn't even care. She's been guarding her heart ever since. And she was pretty sure that she had everything under control. Well, that was until she met him.

Her prayers ranged from "I like him a lot" to "I don't want to like him anymore"; from "I want to spend the rest of my life with him" to "Why did I even meet him?"; from "Please let him be the one" to "I don't even know why I'm praying for this". It's been a series of pulls back and forth. She kept on telling herself to stop waiting for the light to turn green, but she found herself doing it anyway. Uncertainty tortured her, and the pain wore her down. Every bit of her was falling apart

But one night, she felt as if she was a phoenix being reborn from the ashes. After countless tears and countless prayers, she had a moment of epiphany that could not be fully explained with words. It was like all her sorrow, all the pain, and every bit of uncertainty was being sucked away from her. She was crying, yes, but her tears were coming from a joyful heart. She was on her knees again, and her forehead was pressed against her bedroom floor. But instead of blaming, complaining and questioning, all that was coming out of her mouth were words of thanks. "I do not understand," she said, "but I trust You. And to You, I submit myself. I thought I already knew what the word 'surrender' really means. But it is only now do I realize that surrendering means laying everything. And by everything, it means not trying to control even a few snippets of my life, or trying to understand the why's of every little thing. As I go through each day, I will not stop giving thanks to You. For like gold, I am purified by every fire I go through. So thank You, Lord," she continued, "for letting me experience Your purifying love, for letting me learn what patience really is, and for Your grace that has been raining down upon me even before I was born. And now, Lord, as I offer all my heart's desires to You, I can confidently say that I now surrender everything. In my life, Lord, Your will be done."

She rose with a smile on her face. She knows that she has no idea what tomorrow may bring. But that doesn't matter to her anymore. For she knows that no matter how big a problem is, God is always bigger. And she has faith that God will help her deal with everything, when the time comes.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" ~Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

A Letter From Juliet

Dear You,

You know how they say that life is full of surprises? Well, you were a surprise. You were unexpected. And who knew that someone as unexpected as you would make me happier than I originally planned?

I still remember how it all happened. From everyone else's perspective, I guess it was just like any other encounter. Because no one else seemed to notice how everything else around us suddenly stopped and fell silent. It was as if time stood still, and somehow, it held me captive. I sat there, frozen and scared to move, thinking that even just a twitch from me might drive you away. Then, you turned to me and said 'Hi'. And I suddenly felt like a melting butter sliding down hot toast. 

Yes. I've said it over and over again. I have never believed in love at first sight. And I still don't. What I've felt for you at that moment wasn't love. It's the same kind of feeling you get when you see a massive lightning spread across the purple sky. Or the feeling you get when you successfully climb a mountain and see the amazing view from the top. Or that feeling when you look up to the night sky and see the majestic expanse of stars. It's that amazing, indescribable feeling. A feeling that totally blows you away. A feeling so powerful it's paralyzing and exhilarating, both at the same time. It's AWE.

Looking back, I feel so stupid about the way I acted around you. I realized that in all those times that we were together, I have never looked at you straight in the eye, not even while we were talking. I don't know if you've noticed that I was holding my breath every time you talked to me because your every word stuns me. That I always look down whenever you smile because I feel all my blood rushing to my cheeks. That I suddenly became camera shy because your mere presence makes me feel so awkward. I guess I was overcome by this fear that I might stutter, or totally get paralyzed, or I might just make a bigger mess of myself.

Sometimes I feel pathetic for paying attention to the smallest details; like the way you laughed when I said something funny. Or like the way you tell these cute little stories. Or like the way you talk to me. Just basically the smallest details of how you do things to me, with me, and I'm really hoping, for me.

But I really can't help it. God knows how many times I've tried to stop. Actually, right from the start, I've asked Him to take these feelings away if they're not meant to be here. Cheesy, yes, but true. Ever since the time that I've met you, I already have been praying for you. And I'm about to write some things that are either creepy or flattering. How you take them is all up to you, but I'm really hoping for it to be the latter.

I have been praying to dadiGod for you to be the one. I know it's creepy. It's weird to want to spend the rest of my life with you when I barely know you. It took me a long time to write this part of the letter because I have been looking for the right words to explain how I feel, to defend myself, to look for some logical explanation on why I feel this way. But sometimes, there are some things in this world that are just out of our grasp to decipher. And I think, this is one of those things.

Right now, I don't have any idea how to continue with this letter. I've been rewriting this letter for so many times already because I don't want you to realize that I'm writing about you. Maybe it's because I don't want you to freak out. Or maybe because I'm scared that you'd reject me. But mostly, it's because I've promised to myself that I won't make any move. I've promised that I won't do anything for you to know that I like you

Don't tell me that I don't like you enough, because I do. In fact, I like you a lot. Perhaps way too much that you've been in my every thought. And it's scary, you know. The very thought of me liking you despite knowing very little about you is scary. And it's getting scarier every time I realize that I'm falling deeper than where I was.

So I guess I'm writing this letter not for you, but for myself. Maybe this serves me with some sort of therapeutic purpose. My emotions have grown too strong for me to hold in any longer. I need to tell you how I feel, even in a pretend-letter-kind-of-way. Maybe the time will come when I can finally read this to you personally, but until then, I will have to settle with writing you letters from afar. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a coward. I could tell you how I feel, personally or through technology. Because I have done that before. It wouldn't be easy, with my heart fluttering all the time, but it's doable. However, I choose not to. Because I want this to be different. Because this is different. This isn't some petty teenager crush that could go *poof!* gone in just a couple of weeks or so. Because if it was, I wouldn't be writing this letter anymore.

However, I'm not at all selfish. Even if I have been praying for you to be the one, I ain't pushing it. I still want dadiGod's will to be done, because His way is The Way. Yes, I'm hoping for you to be the one. Because I don't want this to be just another bump in the road. I want this, you, to be the destination. But if He has better plans, as He always does, I accept it. And with it, I pray, that if I ain't the one for you, I'm hoping for you to have someone better. Because I like you that much.

If you are reading this right now, don't freak out. I'm not forcing you to like me. Neither do I want you to like me just because I like you. What I want is for you to like me because of who I am, and more for who I am not. And if you can't do that, you'd always have that right to remain silent.

Praying, Hoping, Waiting,
Me.♥

A Century In Girl Years

I watched TV this morning, after gazillion years. Yes, this is worth blogging. Why? Because this morning, I happen to accidentally click the wrong channel. I ended up at Star Movies, and at that very moment, a movie was just about to start. So I thought, "Yeah. WTH. I'll watch it." And the movie was:

So, most of you might think that this is just another chick-flick. Well, yes, it is. It is one of those sappy, shallow, chick flicks that bore guys to death and fires all film critics' tomato shotguns. I am fully aware of that. However, I still liked this movie. Mainly because of the reason that I could somehow relate to the whole "best friends-fighting" thing. No, I am not yet married. I'm not even engaged yet. But I have "fought" like a hateful, backward toddler with one of the best friends that I had.

We were practically inseparable. We dreamed dreams together. We planned vacations together. We had this whole plan of setting up our children so they would end up together. We enjoyed all the laughs, all the bloopers, all the tears, all the intellectual conversations and even our "slow" moments. It was, as a romantic aptly put it, a fairytale friendship. You cannot simply find another one like it. When some other person likes exactly the same things that you like. When they think the same thoughts. When both of you are in the same wave length. When both of you would never think of doing anything that could hurt the other. When both of you are genuinely sure that all is well and it would be smooth sailing all the way. However, fairy tales don't exist in the real word. Reality bites. And it bites hard.

And just like in the movie, all started well until something they both want so badly comes up, and neither of them wants to give up. So what are these girls like?

This is Liv Lerner.
Liv, played by Kate Hudson, is a successful lawyer who is used to getting her way, and won't settle for anything else. She attempts to be perfect, ever since her parents died when she was a child. For lack of a better word, she is a bitch.







Meet Emma Allen.
Emma, played by Anne Hathaway, is a passive middle school teacher who takes care of everyone, but forgets about having some time for herself.



Do you know that feeling when you feel like your life has been used as a reference for some movies? I felt like mine was being used in this one. At the very start of the movie, I was like, "I can totally relate to Emma. Oh yeah, I am SO Emma." But then, as the movie progresses, I realize that I am like Liv, too. Incapable of accepting that, yes, I can be really intimidating and such a perfectionist that I don't even notice how I can be so controlling. In a very subtle manner, of course, since I don't want people to know that I'm manipulating them already.

Fortunately, we didn't get to the point where we'll do things to make the other's skin turn orange or the other's hair turn blue. But we did some pretty nasty things and said scornful remarks. Words slice sharper and deeper than some Excalibur, they say. Honestly, I was deeply hurt by all those things she said about me. Especially when she fired all of it even if I wasn't doing anything at all to her. Because I do know, and I am sincerely sure, that none of them were true. For the first dozen shots, I accepted every wound; proudly embracing them as my battle scars. But then, my defenses started to weaken. You know how we girls are. There comes a time when we can't just sit here and do nothing. It is our instinct to fight back once hurt. So there I was, letting out the tigress that I so long held captive. It started from a couple of jokes. Then, with the help of my oh-so-powerful mind, all the insults just started flowing out. I was enjoying it then. It felt so good to make fun of someone else. Yeah, I know I'm not perfect. I know I have flaws. I actually have very low self-esteem. And she painfully hit that. I hated her for liking the same things that I like. I hated her for copying me. So I won't just let her walk away victoriously. I refuse to let her have the last laugh. Being the sly fox that I am, I managed to hit her where it hurts. I knew that she would retaliate but I didn't care. The more insults she throw back at me, the more I felt fulfilled. I thought I was winning. 

I wanted to hurt her. I knew I had a power over him, and I used that to my advantage. It worked so well, I was literally practicing my evil laugh. But then a really good friend of mine asked me if all I was doing was worth the effort, if I was happy, if everything that I've been doing is me. That made me stop, look and listen. I had to stop my mouth from talking and my fingers from typing. I had to look at myself in the mirror to realize that I don't know whose reflection it is that I'm seeing. I had to listen to my heart for me to understand that none of it makes me happy, and that none of it is who I really am. I was very much ashamed of who I've become. So I decided that I would no longer hurl any more insults, albeit all that I am receiving. I decided to force myself to stop hating and be indifferent instead. I got tired of her, of all the insults, and most especially, I got tired of myself.

To her defense, she had no idea that I was harmless. Just like me, she was fed with the wrong information by the wrong person. We we're technically brainwashed. And of course, when I started fighting back, she had to defend herself, too. It was a pathetic cycle that both of us got caught in. 

So there I was this morning, crying my eyes out over some chick flick, as I was reminiscing those days when I tackled some other girl in my head over and over again. As the movie ended, a smile spread across my face. It was a lose-lose fight. Or was it?

We've reconciled. Hopefully, we could go back to the ways things were before the huge mess. If we don't, I guess it was a learning experience for the both of us, and we both have to heal our wounds. If we do, then I hope the whole almost-but-not-really cat fight is something that made our friendship stronger, and is something that we would laugh at a couple of years from now... or a few hours from now. :)

I will close with this very beautiful quote from the movie:

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along."

The Love, The Hate, and The Loveless

Like a line from my favorite sonnet, it happened, without me knowing how, when, or from where. I just found myself literally rolling on the floor and laughing until I cried, with one of the few who had a really big impact on my life.

Like sisters, it had been a love-hate relationship. On the first few years, it was more of the love part. Then came the fourth year. It had been so full of hate, you'd never believe we were once friends. Like any epic novel, that which fueled the feud had to hit close to home. Being the hopeless romantics that we are, of course, it had to be the heart.

Out of nowhere, this seemingly almost perfect guy showed up. And when I say "almost perfect", I mean "daily devotions, good morning messages, know how to play lots of instruments, sing me to sleep" perfect. It could have been a fairy tale, but no. It had to be epic, with lots of adventure, mystery, action, romance, suspense, drama, thriller and comedy. She loved him. I loved him. He "loved" both of us. It was crazy. Little by little, we drifted apart without us knowing it. From texting by the minute, there we were, with barely nodding as we pass by each other in the hallway.

Us, humans, act on our animal instincts. And act on our animal instincts, we did. From internet backbiting to upfront mean remarks, name it, we've done it. Here we've proven that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. The fact that we've reached that point is quite ironic, if you ask me; given that we've once promised each other to let no man come between us.

But on second thought, we've been faithful to that promise. So far, no man has come between us. "But what about that almost perfect guy?", you may ask. Well, I consider him in no way deserving to be called a MAN. No man would ever play with women's hearts. No man would ever let himself be the reason of a beautiful friendship's breakup. No man would ever use suicide as a blackmail for a woman to stay. And most importantly, no man would ever lie about who he really is.

It has been a ginormous, topsy turvy, crazier-than-Six Flags' X2, roller coaster ride for us. And fortunately, like some lines from a song, we're drifting safely back to shore and we've finally learned to love each other more. We're back to where we've started and we're ready for one heck of a roller coaster ride. This time, however, we're prepared to face anything with our chins up and hands together. Bring it on, life, 'cause we're alpha females, and we'll never let anything tear us apart again.

They say a thin line exists between love and hate. We've been through, over, under and every possible maneuver that could be done with that line. Heck, we could go back and forth that line for all we care. For what it's worth, isn't it that the more you hate, the more you love? Yeah, we'd been into fights and cold wars. But it didn't kill either one of us, it just made us much stronger. Much stronger, and definitely together. Get ready world, the super twins are back, for forever and a day.

As for the almost perfect guy? Three letters: NVM.

You've Got Mail

Dear You,

I remember how I've always loved fairy tales -- the way Prince Charming sweeps the beautiful princess off her feet onto a white horse and then ride away to their own castle in a far, far away land. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, or maybe I am born into this world with a heart full of love and hopes and dreams. I don't really know. But what I do know is that every night, before going to bed, I say my prayers to dadiGod and you have always been in them.

I know you'll probably say that I'm too much of a hopeless romantic. That maybe, I'm stuck in my preschool stage, the stage of magical and too much wishful thinking. That maybe I haven't been out in the world long enough to realize that Prince Charmings rarely exist in the world nowadays, if not completely extinct.

I am fully aware of that. For almost-twenty-one years of living, I've read enough books, heard enough talks, and watched enough real life dramas for me to say that I know what kind of world I'm living in. As a matter of fact, I've been through my fair share of heartaches and heartbreaks. So, I can say that I'm not naive with the whole love fiasco. There were some times when I even thought that maybe you don't exist, that I will never find you, that our paths will never cross. I am aware that modern life is full of nondescript melancholy, of discomfort, of queer relationships which beget emotions that are half-ludicrous and yet painful, and that an inconclusive ending for all these impulses is much more usual than anything extreme.

But the thing is, I believe in dadiGod. Nothing in this world is ever impossible for His awesomeness. I believe that He has this, us, all mapped out. So, when and how we would meet, I leave it all in His powerful hands. And I know that ours is the best fairytale there ever will be.

If you would be my prince, if you are going to fall in love with me, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with me, I think it's only fair if you do know what you're getting yourself into.

I'd probably be the most complicated, insanely weird girl you'd ever meet. I don't really know what I want and I can't even make up my mind most of the time; so forgive me if it takes me a long time to pick what food to order, what clothes to wear, or even what words to say. Sometimes, my 'no' really means 'yes', my 'yes' means 'maybe', and my 'maybe' means 'no'. My responses would not be as constant as other girls'. What usually makes other girls gush and blush might make me sick to my stomach. While most girls hug and tag their teddy bear along every where they go, I'm the kind of girl who doesn't care if the teddy bear gets really dusty and becomes home to innumerable fungi. Heck, I don't even like teddy bears. While most girls dream of a fancy candlelit seven-course-meal dinner, I dream of unlimited fishballs, kwek-kweks and isaws which would really make our date perfect. Throw in some ice scramble and I might marry you right then and there.

I think a lot and my mind produces so much random thoughts, I have flight of ideas most of the time. We might be fighting at one moment and the next thing you know, I'd probably say something so crazy, you're parents might think you met me at an asylum. I'm the girl who'd probably produce more wacky photos than some portrait-worthy ones.

Then you'd realize that I have my insecurities. I'd tell you how much I hate chubby cheeks, my formless feet, my lifeless hair and pretty much everything else.

I am unpredictable. I have the most crazy mood swings. I'll be all diddly-eyed and sweet at one moment, but monstrous and crazy at another.

I have stubbornness issues. I'm one of the most stubborn people in the world and I refuse to change my beliefs. We'd go into arguments and I won't rest my case until I win, or until you give up, which technically means I win.

I have mannerisms, like the way I always lick and bite my lips, perhaps way too much that they easily crack. And when I'm feeling too self-conscious or shy, I blink a lot. Then, there are my obsessions and compulsions. I'd be stressed when the plates are not smooth after I wash them. Or when I don't eat a fish upside-down with it's head pointed towards my right. Or when I've pushed a door that says 'pull'.

I have this constant need to feel loved and appreciated. I'd be demanding quality time with you and would snoop around your workplace just to be with you. I also have this tendency to be too clingy. I'd always be invading your personal space by giving you hugs, over and over again until you feel suffocated.

I'm a big crybaby. I have overactive tear ducts. You'd probably need to buy dozens of Kleenex just so you could hand them to me when I need them, or else, you'd go home with a wet, if not sticky, shirt.

I have a troubled past. I've been through a lot, most of which you're gonna find out during the course of our relationship because I don't really open up a lot to other people, and that includes you. It has really been hard for me to open up wounds. I like being strong and having this invincible front; and if I open up myself, I'd feel vulnerable -- and that, for me, is a no-no.

Then you'll realize that a girl like me, however composed I may seem, still have self-hate. I focus on my imperfections and my perception that maybe, no one could ever love me. I have this high expectation for myself and this constant fear of not being good enough.

But of course, I do want you to know that you'd be falling in love with an extraordinary girl. You'd be falling in love with the way my face lights up at the sight of you, the way I'd call you in the morning to wake you up and wish you a great day, the way you'd see me in my favorite get-up: T-shirt, jeans and rubber shoes. You'd be falling in love with my quirkiness and strangely unconventional mannerisms, as well as my obsessive compulsions. You'd fall in love with my little sketches, even if your 3-year-old sister can draw better pictures. You'd love the puffer-fish face I make when I get frustrated. You'd be fond of the fact that I'm a non-conformist for I bring something new to the table and surprise you in ways you could never imagine. You'd fall in love with every slap on the arm that I give you. You'd be falling in love with the little crinkle above my nose when my mind wanders off. You'd love that after our day together, you'd still be able to smell my vanilla perfume on your shirt. You'd fall in love with how I get along so well with your family, especially your mom. You'd fall in love with all my hopes, my dreams and everything else in my bucket list. But you know what the most important thing for me is? It's the fact that you'd be falling in love with me as I am, with my insecurities and imperfections, even if I have always thought of it as impossible.

So wherever you are right now, I want you to know that I can't wait to meet you and love you and spend the rest of my life with you. I know you're real and I know you're out there somewhere. At dadiGod's perfect timing, our paths will meet. And when it does, there probably wouldn't be fireworks, or ringing bells, or singing animals. But we can prove to the world that it's still possible to live happily ever after.

Wishing that I would be forever yours,

Me.♥

Warheads

As long as I can remember, the phrase "to be a doctor" has been my automatic answer when asked about what I'd like to be when I grow up. Yes, there were days when I wanted to be a firefighter, a lawyer, a librarian, a DJ, an international spy, a mafia member, a ninja, a vampire, a superhero and probably all the other professions available, both in real life and in fantasy world. But all throughout my almost-twenty-one years of living, being a doctor has always been my dream.

But can a dream sustain me for probably another ten to fifteen more years of studying? Time and again, I had to rethink. Sometimes, I even had to re-dream. I had to stop and imagine the future me. Where am I? What am I doing? More importantly, am I happy? Do I have any regrets?

Somewhere along the way, I may have dreamt another dream. It was easy to answer those self-evaluation questions. Where am I? I have seen myself in another city, another country, or another continent. What am I doing? I have been attracted by get-rich-quick schemes. I have seen myself as a nurse who earns half a million a month. But when it came to the last two questions, let's just say I was like a little girl asking for sour gummy worms but given chocolates instead. Yes, 99% of humans want chocolate. Yes, 99% of humans think that sweet, heavenly chocolates are more enticing than sour gummy worms. But do we forget about the other 1%? No, or at least I don't -- because I'm one of them. I'm one of those who would rather cringe and make faces while eating sour gummy worms rather than eating heavenly chocolates.

So why use chocolates and sour gummy worms as illustrations? It's like this: You want chocolate because you really want it, or because everybody else wants it. Either way, you want, so you get. When you get, you take a bite. You feel fulfilled and keep eating because it tastes good. But that's it.

The sour gummy worms, however, makes something special happen along the way. So there you are, wanting sour gummy worms. Same thing with chocolates, you want, so you get. When you get, you take a bite. And here is where we take a detour on the road to something special. When you take a bite, your taste buds register this weird sour taste. It sends signals to your brain and your brain says, "Hey! This is something different!" It is then that your salivary glands produce, well what else, saliva and even more saliva! It makes you crave for more of that peculiar sourness. You eat and eat until you're satisfied.

 I know some may say, "Why bother risking humiliation by making awful faces while eating sour gummy worms when you can be smiling safely while eating chocolates?" That, I can answer with a cliché: Isn't it that the journey is as important, if not more, than the destination? Would you rather bore yourself at home, or go out and have one heck of an adventure? It's not much of a choice, is it? 

Five or six years ago, I watched Robin Williams as he portrayed Hunter Campbell who is more commonly known as Patch Adams. I will never forget what he said in his final speech during a hearing which could make or break his medicine career. He said that he did his best to help the people who came to him; that treating a disease of the body is a win-or-lose situation, but treating a person's spirit guarantees a win regardless of the outcome, even when the outcome is death. Those words carved themselves into my heart. And during my college years, as I breathed in every smell in every hospital I went to, those words haunted me.

Sleepless nights. Dull-painted rooms. Long, lonely hallways. Heart-wrenching cries. Shouts of pain. Screams of anger. Nonexistent social life. -- What are those compared to the laughter of children, the "Thank you's" from the patients and their relatives? What are those compared to the fulfillment and satisfaction and indescribable joy that I would feel before I close my eyes to go to sleep thinking that I improved patients' quality of life? What are those compared to being of service to others, touching their lives and making a difference?

Can a dream sustain me for probably another ten to fifteen more years of studying? Hell yeah! Now give me my sour gummy worms, will you?

How may I help you?

From jogging to job interview.

When I slept around 3AM and woke up at 6AM.

When I haven't had breakfast yet.

When jogging turned into talking and laughing.

When outfit changes happen at McDonald's restrooms.

When there are 3 moms and a friend to walk me to my first job interview.

When it took me just 26 minutes to finish filling up two applicant forms, with two essays.

When my heart wants to jump out of my chest and when my hands want to wiggle nonstop.

When my fellow applicant is more than 30minutes late.

When a 40-minute online exam was finished in less than 20-minutes.

When I learned that I am an expert typist.

When I learned that a pure-blooded Filipino could look like an African-American.

When I made a mental note not to wear something like what she wore.

When I learned that I'm not missing out on a lot of things.

When speaking in English seemed like innate.

When 15 minutes seemed like a lifetime.

When beauty plus brains equals deadly combination.

When beauty-queen-answers happen inside a tiny interview room.

When failing isn't really heartbreaking.

When Italian food and blueberry cheesecake satisfied my tastebuds.

When it's unbelievably cold inside an old train.

When I'm so sleepy but still can't resist the internet.

When dreams of stoning someone should be a reality.

When spending time with friends is the best thing ever.

GOOD VIBES > bad vibes.

This one failure won't put me down.

Life is so beautiful. DadiGod is so GREAT.

Because it ain't over 'till it's over.♥

I've got sunshine on a cloudy day. :)

I am writing this blog as they do in the olden days, with only the light from the flickering candle. Now I know how hard life has been for the people in ‘ye old days. My mom was even retelling stories from when she was a child; how she studied with only a gas lamp as a light source, how they cooked their every meal using firewood, how early their bedtime was, etc, etc. I cannot imagine myself in such state. Though, yes, I spend most of my time in darkness because I always turn off the light in my room but I realized how dependent I was on electricity. I spend 90% of my time in front of the laptop and on the internet, and the other 10% was spent texting, eating, watching TV, sleeping, bathing – all of which requires the service of our power company.

It was a frightening night last night as strong winds blew and massive rain drops fell. The power lines went out and darkness fell everywhere. I opened the window and saw branches of trees being carried away by the wind. People were running in different directions, hoping to find a shelter in the middle of a storm. I continued to watch the events outside my window while waiting for the electricity to be back on. I waited and waited and waited, but darkness still covered our land. I decided it was time for me to go to bed since I had nothing else to do.

My mind wandered, as it always does. I had thought of everything that transpired that day. It was the day that I finally gave in to what I was suppressing for quite some time now. I had nowhere to run. I can’t make any more excuses. THIS. IS. IT. It was weird, really. I found myself smiling and having that !@#$%^&*(&^%$#@ feeling again, as I recalled what made me have that realization earlier. It was like I was having one of those “self-awareness” thingies. It was a very, very, very weird feeling. But hey, I always said I liked weird. :)

So here I am, still praying and hoping for the electricity to be back on while writing with a pen and a piece of paper. But my mind is elsewhere, as it always is.

180°

For months, I have been drowning in an ocean of bad vibes; wider than the Pacific, deeper than the Marianas. 
For months, I've received so much pain that it's not healthy anymore. 
For months, I've believed in so many lies. 
For months, I've unknowingly been a puppet on a string, controlled and manipulated to hurt people I once cared about.
For months, I've lived in sadness, pain, anger and hate. 
For months, I have not been me. 
For months, I have been dark and twisty.

Two weeks ago, I've been really fortunate enough to finally know the truth. After that night, I've spent most of my time lying in bed and thinking. I was looking straight at these cartolinas but I was seeing through them. That, of course, wasn't meant literally. It was like my mind was lost in so much thinking. I've wasted months drowning in bad vibes when I should be enjoying life and all of God's blessings. Today, while I was in the shower, I had an epiphany. It was time to turn the lights on and shoo away darkness from my life.

In order to fully brighten my life once again, I have to first free myself from all the sadness, pain, anger and hate that fills me. And so, I have to unzip my mouth and say all the things that should've been said months ago. But I choose not to say those things here, I choose to say those things to the person/s involved, face-to-face. I was actually halfway through, blogging everything that I want to say to that person, but I decided that I don't wanna do any more damage. So, when I've mustered enough courage and when the person/s involved is ready to talk, I'll say everything I need and want to say, no holds barred.

I hereby proclaim this day as "Bright and Shiny" day. The day when I become like my favorite flower. I am now a Sunflower, and I will turn towards the sun. :)

I remember a scene from Grey's Anatomy where Meredith said pretty much what I want to say right now. I edited it, replaced her name with mine, added a couple of sentences, and this is how it turned out:

"Today is the day people! Today is THE day when dark and twisty Micah disappears forever; and Bright and Shiny Micah takes her place! You're probably not gonna want to be friends with me anymore, because the sheer intensity of my happiness will make your teeth hurt; but that's okay because life is good. Oh wait, no. Life is not good. LIFE IS GREAT. :)"

Yes, people, life is great. DadiGod has showered me with so much blessings, way beyond what I've ever imagined. He has placed amazing people in my life; and for them, I am very very thankful. :)

P.S.

I was looking for a certain CD when I happened to find a familiar-looking letter. It was written on a dark blue specialty paper with a gold stretchy ribbon. I opened it and a part of it says:

"He has shown that He never fails. That's what makes God, God."

And if the sender of that letter is reading this blog right now, I have so much to tell you. In person, if you may permit. But I'm not forcing you. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'm here.:)

Boom!

Have you ever believed in something so much that despite all the pain that you're going through, you're still holding on? Holding on to all the promises, the dreams, the feelings. Only to have them all crushed one day?

I used to be that girl. That girl who so much believed in the prince that will come to sweep me off my feet. That girl who so much believed that there is always something good inside everyone. That girl who so much believed in that shooting star that made wishes come true.

The star which I thought brightened my every day became a supernova. A week ago, I had learned a shocking revelation. Something SO explosive, Nagasaki and Hiroshima bombing can't compare. The person who I shared my deepest, darkest secrets with, the person who I shared my life's dreams with, the person who I thought will grow old with me, turned out to be a BIG fake -- literally and figuratively.

The supernova eventually became a black hole. He/She/It eventually sucked all the energy from me; with all his/her/its threats, hacking expertise, irritating calls in the middle of the night and early in the morning. On the first night, I immediately had a 38.6C fever! Then on the next day, I had some psychosomatic stress disorder. I kept having the feeling of wanting to vomit, I can feel my gastric juices gurgling in my stomach, no food was tempting enough to make me salivate. I felt weak and helpless; like a little child lost in a big city. I wanted to breakdown. I needed to breakdown. But I was at school, where everyone can see me. Where not everyone can understand. Where some think that this is just a petty problem. I needed a sanctuary. I needed a place where I could cry until I can no longer produce anymore tears. I've always thought that I wasn't a damsel-in-distress; that I was strong, unbreakable, invincible; that I never needed any saving; that I can take care of everything on my own. But I was wrong. I am the damsel who is in a lot of distress right now. I didn't feel strong or unbreakable, let alone feel invincible. I can't take care of all this on my own. This time, I needed to be saved. I needed someone to understand. I needed someone to be with me, hug me and tell me that it's all gonna be okay. Someone to tell me that they'll rip him/her/it apart. Someone to tell me that I'm never gonna be alone, that I always have someone with me.

To that someone who never got tired of listening to my rants; to that someone who immediately helped me fix my accounts; to that someone who ditched review class to be with me; to that someone who stays up late to be with me and make me feel better; to that someone who shared tears and laughs with me: THANK YOU. I have found an irreplaceable sister in you.

I am now in a path where it's dark and scary; where there is a twisted mind lurking somewhere. I don't know what's ahead of me. But I'll try my hardest to fight back. I'll try. So please, help me.