"Why Lord?" she whispered. "Why is this so hard? What am I supposed to do with these feelings? Take them away if they're not from You." ~ Shannon, Boy Meets Girl (Joshua Harris)
She found herself on her knees, with her forehead pressed against her bedroom floor, uttering the same words. She has been crying for as long as she can remember. This is the first time she ever prayed like that. In fact, this is the first time she ever prayed for a guy, or about a guy, whichever way you put it. She's been bothered by thoughts of him for weeks already, and it drove her crazy. She went to sleep thinking of him, and woke up just the same. Her mind just kept on wandering off to his direction. Night after night, she kept on praying for something to happen. And night after night, she waited in vain. But what was it exactly that she was waiting for? Is it the reciprocation of her extreme liking? Or the eradication of it?
She's been through a lot. In fact, while waiting for Mr. Right, she already met Mr. Fake, Mr. Rude and Mr. Player. She's been the rebound, the challenge, the fallback, the other girl. She's been the mistake and the correction. She became tired of giving away parts of her heart to people who didn't even care. She's been guarding her heart ever since. And she was pretty sure that she had everything under control. Well, that was until she met him.
Her prayers ranged from "I like him a lot" to "I don't want to like him anymore"; from "I want to spend the rest of my life with him" to "Why did I even meet him?"; from "Please let him be the one" to "I don't even know why I'm praying for this". It's been a series of pulls back and forth. She kept on telling herself to stop waiting for the light to turn green, but she found herself doing it anyway. Uncertainty tortured her, and the pain wore her down. Every bit of her was falling apart
But one night, she felt as if she was a phoenix being reborn from the ashes. After countless tears and countless prayers, she had a moment of epiphany that could not be fully explained with words. It was like all her sorrow, all the pain, and every bit of uncertainty was being sucked away from her. She was crying, yes, but her tears were coming from a joyful heart. She was on her knees again, and her forehead was pressed against her bedroom floor. But instead of blaming, complaining and questioning, all that was coming out of her mouth were words of thanks. "I do not understand," she said, "but I trust You. And to You, I submit myself. I thought I already knew what the word 'surrender' really means. But it is only now do I realize that surrendering means laying everything. And by everything, it means not trying to control even a few snippets of my life, or trying to understand the why's of every little thing. As I go through each day, I will not stop giving thanks to You. For like gold, I am purified by every fire I go through. So thank You, Lord," she continued, "for letting me experience Your purifying love, for letting me learn what patience really is, and for Your grace that has been raining down upon me even before I was born. And now, Lord, as I offer all my heart's desires to You, I can confidently say that I now surrender everything. In my life, Lord, Your will be done."
She rose with a smile on her face. She knows that she has no idea what tomorrow may bring. But that doesn't matter to her anymore. For she knows that no matter how big a problem is, God is always bigger. And she has faith that God will help her deal with everything, when the time comes.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus" ~Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)
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