180°

For months, I have been drowning in an ocean of bad vibes; wider than the Pacific, deeper than the Marianas. 
For months, I've received so much pain that it's not healthy anymore. 
For months, I've believed in so many lies. 
For months, I've unknowingly been a puppet on a string, controlled and manipulated to hurt people I once cared about.
For months, I've lived in sadness, pain, anger and hate. 
For months, I have not been me. 
For months, I have been dark and twisty.

Two weeks ago, I've been really fortunate enough to finally know the truth. After that night, I've spent most of my time lying in bed and thinking. I was looking straight at these cartolinas but I was seeing through them. That, of course, wasn't meant literally. It was like my mind was lost in so much thinking. I've wasted months drowning in bad vibes when I should be enjoying life and all of God's blessings. Today, while I was in the shower, I had an epiphany. It was time to turn the lights on and shoo away darkness from my life.

In order to fully brighten my life once again, I have to first free myself from all the sadness, pain, anger and hate that fills me. And so, I have to unzip my mouth and say all the things that should've been said months ago. But I choose not to say those things here, I choose to say those things to the person/s involved, face-to-face. I was actually halfway through, blogging everything that I want to say to that person, but I decided that I don't wanna do any more damage. So, when I've mustered enough courage and when the person/s involved is ready to talk, I'll say everything I need and want to say, no holds barred.

I hereby proclaim this day as "Bright and Shiny" day. The day when I become like my favorite flower. I am now a Sunflower, and I will turn towards the sun. :)

I remember a scene from Grey's Anatomy where Meredith said pretty much what I want to say right now. I edited it, replaced her name with mine, added a couple of sentences, and this is how it turned out:

"Today is the day people! Today is THE day when dark and twisty Micah disappears forever; and Bright and Shiny Micah takes her place! You're probably not gonna want to be friends with me anymore, because the sheer intensity of my happiness will make your teeth hurt; but that's okay because life is good. Oh wait, no. Life is not good. LIFE IS GREAT. :)"

Yes, people, life is great. DadiGod has showered me with so much blessings, way beyond what I've ever imagined. He has placed amazing people in my life; and for them, I am very very thankful. :)

P.S.

I was looking for a certain CD when I happened to find a familiar-looking letter. It was written on a dark blue specialty paper with a gold stretchy ribbon. I opened it and a part of it says:

"He has shown that He never fails. That's what makes God, God."

And if the sender of that letter is reading this blog right now, I have so much to tell you. In person, if you may permit. But I'm not forcing you. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'm here.:)

Boom!

Have you ever believed in something so much that despite all the pain that you're going through, you're still holding on? Holding on to all the promises, the dreams, the feelings. Only to have them all crushed one day?

I used to be that girl. That girl who so much believed in the prince that will come to sweep me off my feet. That girl who so much believed that there is always something good inside everyone. That girl who so much believed in that shooting star that made wishes come true.

The star which I thought brightened my every day became a supernova. A week ago, I had learned a shocking revelation. Something SO explosive, Nagasaki and Hiroshima bombing can't compare. The person who I shared my deepest, darkest secrets with, the person who I shared my life's dreams with, the person who I thought will grow old with me, turned out to be a BIG fake -- literally and figuratively.

The supernova eventually became a black hole. He/She/It eventually sucked all the energy from me; with all his/her/its threats, hacking expertise, irritating calls in the middle of the night and early in the morning. On the first night, I immediately had a 38.6C fever! Then on the next day, I had some psychosomatic stress disorder. I kept having the feeling of wanting to vomit, I can feel my gastric juices gurgling in my stomach, no food was tempting enough to make me salivate. I felt weak and helpless; like a little child lost in a big city. I wanted to breakdown. I needed to breakdown. But I was at school, where everyone can see me. Where not everyone can understand. Where some think that this is just a petty problem. I needed a sanctuary. I needed a place where I could cry until I can no longer produce anymore tears. I've always thought that I wasn't a damsel-in-distress; that I was strong, unbreakable, invincible; that I never needed any saving; that I can take care of everything on my own. But I was wrong. I am the damsel who is in a lot of distress right now. I didn't feel strong or unbreakable, let alone feel invincible. I can't take care of all this on my own. This time, I needed to be saved. I needed someone to understand. I needed someone to be with me, hug me and tell me that it's all gonna be okay. Someone to tell me that they'll rip him/her/it apart. Someone to tell me that I'm never gonna be alone, that I always have someone with me.

To that someone who never got tired of listening to my rants; to that someone who immediately helped me fix my accounts; to that someone who ditched review class to be with me; to that someone who stays up late to be with me and make me feel better; to that someone who shared tears and laughs with me: THANK YOU. I have found an irreplaceable sister in you.

I am now in a path where it's dark and scary; where there is a twisted mind lurking somewhere. I don't know what's ahead of me. But I'll try my hardest to fight back. I'll try. So please, help me.