The Love, The Hate, and The Loveless

Like a line from my favorite sonnet, it happened, without me knowing how, when, or from where. I just found myself literally rolling on the floor and laughing until I cried, with one of the few who had a really big impact on my life.

Like sisters, it had been a love-hate relationship. On the first few years, it was more of the love part. Then came the fourth year. It had been so full of hate, you'd never believe we were once friends. Like any epic novel, that which fueled the feud had to hit close to home. Being the hopeless romantics that we are, of course, it had to be the heart.

Out of nowhere, this seemingly almost perfect guy showed up. And when I say "almost perfect", I mean "daily devotions, good morning messages, know how to play lots of instruments, sing me to sleep" perfect. It could have been a fairy tale, but no. It had to be epic, with lots of adventure, mystery, action, romance, suspense, drama, thriller and comedy. She loved him. I loved him. He "loved" both of us. It was crazy. Little by little, we drifted apart without us knowing it. From texting by the minute, there we were, with barely nodding as we pass by each other in the hallway.

Us, humans, act on our animal instincts. And act on our animal instincts, we did. From internet backbiting to upfront mean remarks, name it, we've done it. Here we've proven that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. The fact that we've reached that point is quite ironic, if you ask me; given that we've once promised each other to let no man come between us.

But on second thought, we've been faithful to that promise. So far, no man has come between us. "But what about that almost perfect guy?", you may ask. Well, I consider him in no way deserving to be called a MAN. No man would ever play with women's hearts. No man would ever let himself be the reason of a beautiful friendship's breakup. No man would ever use suicide as a blackmail for a woman to stay. And most importantly, no man would ever lie about who he really is.

It has been a ginormous, topsy turvy, crazier-than-Six Flags' X2, roller coaster ride for us. And fortunately, like some lines from a song, we're drifting safely back to shore and we've finally learned to love each other more. We're back to where we've started and we're ready for one heck of a roller coaster ride. This time, however, we're prepared to face anything with our chins up and hands together. Bring it on, life, 'cause we're alpha females, and we'll never let anything tear us apart again.

They say a thin line exists between love and hate. We've been through, over, under and every possible maneuver that could be done with that line. Heck, we could go back and forth that line for all we care. For what it's worth, isn't it that the more you hate, the more you love? Yeah, we'd been into fights and cold wars. But it didn't kill either one of us, it just made us much stronger. Much stronger, and definitely together. Get ready world, the super twins are back, for forever and a day.

As for the almost perfect guy? Three letters: NVM.

You've Got Mail

Dear You,

I remember how I've always loved fairy tales -- the way Prince Charming sweeps the beautiful princess off her feet onto a white horse and then ride away to their own castle in a far, far away land. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, or maybe I am born into this world with a heart full of love and hopes and dreams. I don't really know. But what I do know is that every night, before going to bed, I say my prayers to dadiGod and you have always been in them.

I know you'll probably say that I'm too much of a hopeless romantic. That maybe, I'm stuck in my preschool stage, the stage of magical and too much wishful thinking. That maybe I haven't been out in the world long enough to realize that Prince Charmings rarely exist in the world nowadays, if not completely extinct.

I am fully aware of that. For almost-twenty-one years of living, I've read enough books, heard enough talks, and watched enough real life dramas for me to say that I know what kind of world I'm living in. As a matter of fact, I've been through my fair share of heartaches and heartbreaks. So, I can say that I'm not naive with the whole love fiasco. There were some times when I even thought that maybe you don't exist, that I will never find you, that our paths will never cross. I am aware that modern life is full of nondescript melancholy, of discomfort, of queer relationships which beget emotions that are half-ludicrous and yet painful, and that an inconclusive ending for all these impulses is much more usual than anything extreme.

But the thing is, I believe in dadiGod. Nothing in this world is ever impossible for His awesomeness. I believe that He has this, us, all mapped out. So, when and how we would meet, I leave it all in His powerful hands. And I know that ours is the best fairytale there ever will be.

If you would be my prince, if you are going to fall in love with me, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with me, I think it's only fair if you do know what you're getting yourself into.

I'd probably be the most complicated, insanely weird girl you'd ever meet. I don't really know what I want and I can't even make up my mind most of the time; so forgive me if it takes me a long time to pick what food to order, what clothes to wear, or even what words to say. Sometimes, my 'no' really means 'yes', my 'yes' means 'maybe', and my 'maybe' means 'no'. My responses would not be as constant as other girls'. What usually makes other girls gush and blush might make me sick to my stomach. While most girls hug and tag their teddy bear along every where they go, I'm the kind of girl who doesn't care if the teddy bear gets really dusty and becomes home to innumerable fungi. Heck, I don't even like teddy bears. While most girls dream of a fancy candlelit seven-course-meal dinner, I dream of unlimited fishballs, kwek-kweks and isaws which would really make our date perfect. Throw in some ice scramble and I might marry you right then and there.

I think a lot and my mind produces so much random thoughts, I have flight of ideas most of the time. We might be fighting at one moment and the next thing you know, I'd probably say something so crazy, you're parents might think you met me at an asylum. I'm the girl who'd probably produce more wacky photos than some portrait-worthy ones.

Then you'd realize that I have my insecurities. I'd tell you how much I hate chubby cheeks, my formless feet, my lifeless hair and pretty much everything else.

I am unpredictable. I have the most crazy mood swings. I'll be all diddly-eyed and sweet at one moment, but monstrous and crazy at another.

I have stubbornness issues. I'm one of the most stubborn people in the world and I refuse to change my beliefs. We'd go into arguments and I won't rest my case until I win, or until you give up, which technically means I win.

I have mannerisms, like the way I always lick and bite my lips, perhaps way too much that they easily crack. And when I'm feeling too self-conscious or shy, I blink a lot. Then, there are my obsessions and compulsions. I'd be stressed when the plates are not smooth after I wash them. Or when I don't eat a fish upside-down with it's head pointed towards my right. Or when I've pushed a door that says 'pull'.

I have this constant need to feel loved and appreciated. I'd be demanding quality time with you and would snoop around your workplace just to be with you. I also have this tendency to be too clingy. I'd always be invading your personal space by giving you hugs, over and over again until you feel suffocated.

I'm a big crybaby. I have overactive tear ducts. You'd probably need to buy dozens of Kleenex just so you could hand them to me when I need them, or else, you'd go home with a wet, if not sticky, shirt.

I have a troubled past. I've been through a lot, most of which you're gonna find out during the course of our relationship because I don't really open up a lot to other people, and that includes you. It has really been hard for me to open up wounds. I like being strong and having this invincible front; and if I open up myself, I'd feel vulnerable -- and that, for me, is a no-no.

Then you'll realize that a girl like me, however composed I may seem, still have self-hate. I focus on my imperfections and my perception that maybe, no one could ever love me. I have this high expectation for myself and this constant fear of not being good enough.

But of course, I do want you to know that you'd be falling in love with an extraordinary girl. You'd be falling in love with the way my face lights up at the sight of you, the way I'd call you in the morning to wake you up and wish you a great day, the way you'd see me in my favorite get-up: T-shirt, jeans and rubber shoes. You'd be falling in love with my quirkiness and strangely unconventional mannerisms, as well as my obsessive compulsions. You'd fall in love with my little sketches, even if your 3-year-old sister can draw better pictures. You'd love the puffer-fish face I make when I get frustrated. You'd be fond of the fact that I'm a non-conformist for I bring something new to the table and surprise you in ways you could never imagine. You'd fall in love with every slap on the arm that I give you. You'd be falling in love with the little crinkle above my nose when my mind wanders off. You'd love that after our day together, you'd still be able to smell my vanilla perfume on your shirt. You'd fall in love with how I get along so well with your family, especially your mom. You'd fall in love with all my hopes, my dreams and everything else in my bucket list. But you know what the most important thing for me is? It's the fact that you'd be falling in love with me as I am, with my insecurities and imperfections, even if I have always thought of it as impossible.

So wherever you are right now, I want you to know that I can't wait to meet you and love you and spend the rest of my life with you. I know you're real and I know you're out there somewhere. At dadiGod's perfect timing, our paths will meet. And when it does, there probably wouldn't be fireworks, or ringing bells, or singing animals. But we can prove to the world that it's still possible to live happily ever after.

Wishing that I would be forever yours,

Me.♥

Warheads

As long as I can remember, the phrase "to be a doctor" has been my automatic answer when asked about what I'd like to be when I grow up. Yes, there were days when I wanted to be a firefighter, a lawyer, a librarian, a DJ, an international spy, a mafia member, a ninja, a vampire, a superhero and probably all the other professions available, both in real life and in fantasy world. But all throughout my almost-twenty-one years of living, being a doctor has always been my dream.

But can a dream sustain me for probably another ten to fifteen more years of studying? Time and again, I had to rethink. Sometimes, I even had to re-dream. I had to stop and imagine the future me. Where am I? What am I doing? More importantly, am I happy? Do I have any regrets?

Somewhere along the way, I may have dreamt another dream. It was easy to answer those self-evaluation questions. Where am I? I have seen myself in another city, another country, or another continent. What am I doing? I have been attracted by get-rich-quick schemes. I have seen myself as a nurse who earns half a million a month. But when it came to the last two questions, let's just say I was like a little girl asking for sour gummy worms but given chocolates instead. Yes, 99% of humans want chocolate. Yes, 99% of humans think that sweet, heavenly chocolates are more enticing than sour gummy worms. But do we forget about the other 1%? No, or at least I don't -- because I'm one of them. I'm one of those who would rather cringe and make faces while eating sour gummy worms rather than eating heavenly chocolates.

So why use chocolates and sour gummy worms as illustrations? It's like this: You want chocolate because you really want it, or because everybody else wants it. Either way, you want, so you get. When you get, you take a bite. You feel fulfilled and keep eating because it tastes good. But that's it.

The sour gummy worms, however, makes something special happen along the way. So there you are, wanting sour gummy worms. Same thing with chocolates, you want, so you get. When you get, you take a bite. And here is where we take a detour on the road to something special. When you take a bite, your taste buds register this weird sour taste. It sends signals to your brain and your brain says, "Hey! This is something different!" It is then that your salivary glands produce, well what else, saliva and even more saliva! It makes you crave for more of that peculiar sourness. You eat and eat until you're satisfied.

 I know some may say, "Why bother risking humiliation by making awful faces while eating sour gummy worms when you can be smiling safely while eating chocolates?" That, I can answer with a cliché: Isn't it that the journey is as important, if not more, than the destination? Would you rather bore yourself at home, or go out and have one heck of an adventure? It's not much of a choice, is it? 

Five or six years ago, I watched Robin Williams as he portrayed Hunter Campbell who is more commonly known as Patch Adams. I will never forget what he said in his final speech during a hearing which could make or break his medicine career. He said that he did his best to help the people who came to him; that treating a disease of the body is a win-or-lose situation, but treating a person's spirit guarantees a win regardless of the outcome, even when the outcome is death. Those words carved themselves into my heart. And during my college years, as I breathed in every smell in every hospital I went to, those words haunted me.

Sleepless nights. Dull-painted rooms. Long, lonely hallways. Heart-wrenching cries. Shouts of pain. Screams of anger. Nonexistent social life. -- What are those compared to the laughter of children, the "Thank you's" from the patients and their relatives? What are those compared to the fulfillment and satisfaction and indescribable joy that I would feel before I close my eyes to go to sleep thinking that I improved patients' quality of life? What are those compared to being of service to others, touching their lives and making a difference?

Can a dream sustain me for probably another ten to fifteen more years of studying? Hell yeah! Now give me my sour gummy worms, will you?