You've Got Mail

Dear You,

I remember how I've always loved fairy tales -- the way Prince Charming sweeps the beautiful princess off her feet onto a white horse and then ride away to their own castle in a far, far away land. Maybe it's because I'm a girl, or maybe I am born into this world with a heart full of love and hopes and dreams. I don't really know. But what I do know is that every night, before going to bed, I say my prayers to dadiGod and you have always been in them.

I know you'll probably say that I'm too much of a hopeless romantic. That maybe, I'm stuck in my preschool stage, the stage of magical and too much wishful thinking. That maybe I haven't been out in the world long enough to realize that Prince Charmings rarely exist in the world nowadays, if not completely extinct.

I am fully aware of that. For almost-twenty-one years of living, I've read enough books, heard enough talks, and watched enough real life dramas for me to say that I know what kind of world I'm living in. As a matter of fact, I've been through my fair share of heartaches and heartbreaks. So, I can say that I'm not naive with the whole love fiasco. There were some times when I even thought that maybe you don't exist, that I will never find you, that our paths will never cross. I am aware that modern life is full of nondescript melancholy, of discomfort, of queer relationships which beget emotions that are half-ludicrous and yet painful, and that an inconclusive ending for all these impulses is much more usual than anything extreme.

But the thing is, I believe in dadiGod. Nothing in this world is ever impossible for His awesomeness. I believe that He has this, us, all mapped out. So, when and how we would meet, I leave it all in His powerful hands. And I know that ours is the best fairytale there ever will be.

If you would be my prince, if you are going to fall in love with me, if you are going to spend the rest of your life with me, I think it's only fair if you do know what you're getting yourself into.

I'd probably be the most complicated, insanely weird girl you'd ever meet. I don't really know what I want and I can't even make up my mind most of the time; so forgive me if it takes me a long time to pick what food to order, what clothes to wear, or even what words to say. Sometimes, my 'no' really means 'yes', my 'yes' means 'maybe', and my 'maybe' means 'no'. My responses would not be as constant as other girls'. What usually makes other girls gush and blush might make me sick to my stomach. While most girls hug and tag their teddy bear along every where they go, I'm the kind of girl who doesn't care if the teddy bear gets really dusty and becomes home to innumerable fungi. Heck, I don't even like teddy bears. While most girls dream of a fancy candlelit seven-course-meal dinner, I dream of unlimited fishballs, kwek-kweks and isaws which would really make our date perfect. Throw in some ice scramble and I might marry you right then and there.

I think a lot and my mind produces so much random thoughts, I have flight of ideas most of the time. We might be fighting at one moment and the next thing you know, I'd probably say something so crazy, you're parents might think you met me at an asylum. I'm the girl who'd probably produce more wacky photos than some portrait-worthy ones.

Then you'd realize that I have my insecurities. I'd tell you how much I hate chubby cheeks, my formless feet, my lifeless hair and pretty much everything else.

I am unpredictable. I have the most crazy mood swings. I'll be all diddly-eyed and sweet at one moment, but monstrous and crazy at another.

I have stubbornness issues. I'm one of the most stubborn people in the world and I refuse to change my beliefs. We'd go into arguments and I won't rest my case until I win, or until you give up, which technically means I win.

I have mannerisms, like the way I always lick and bite my lips, perhaps way too much that they easily crack. And when I'm feeling too self-conscious or shy, I blink a lot. Then, there are my obsessions and compulsions. I'd be stressed when the plates are not smooth after I wash them. Or when I don't eat a fish upside-down with it's head pointed towards my right. Or when I've pushed a door that says 'pull'.

I have this constant need to feel loved and appreciated. I'd be demanding quality time with you and would snoop around your workplace just to be with you. I also have this tendency to be too clingy. I'd always be invading your personal space by giving you hugs, over and over again until you feel suffocated.

I'm a big crybaby. I have overactive tear ducts. You'd probably need to buy dozens of Kleenex just so you could hand them to me when I need them, or else, you'd go home with a wet, if not sticky, shirt.

I have a troubled past. I've been through a lot, most of which you're gonna find out during the course of our relationship because I don't really open up a lot to other people, and that includes you. It has really been hard for me to open up wounds. I like being strong and having this invincible front; and if I open up myself, I'd feel vulnerable -- and that, for me, is a no-no.

Then you'll realize that a girl like me, however composed I may seem, still have self-hate. I focus on my imperfections and my perception that maybe, no one could ever love me. I have this high expectation for myself and this constant fear of not being good enough.

But of course, I do want you to know that you'd be falling in love with an extraordinary girl. You'd be falling in love with the way my face lights up at the sight of you, the way I'd call you in the morning to wake you up and wish you a great day, the way you'd see me in my favorite get-up: T-shirt, jeans and rubber shoes. You'd be falling in love with my quirkiness and strangely unconventional mannerisms, as well as my obsessive compulsions. You'd fall in love with my little sketches, even if your 3-year-old sister can draw better pictures. You'd love the puffer-fish face I make when I get frustrated. You'd be fond of the fact that I'm a non-conformist for I bring something new to the table and surprise you in ways you could never imagine. You'd fall in love with every slap on the arm that I give you. You'd be falling in love with the little crinkle above my nose when my mind wanders off. You'd love that after our day together, you'd still be able to smell my vanilla perfume on your shirt. You'd fall in love with how I get along so well with your family, especially your mom. You'd fall in love with all my hopes, my dreams and everything else in my bucket list. But you know what the most important thing for me is? It's the fact that you'd be falling in love with me as I am, with my insecurities and imperfections, even if I have always thought of it as impossible.

So wherever you are right now, I want you to know that I can't wait to meet you and love you and spend the rest of my life with you. I know you're real and I know you're out there somewhere. At dadiGod's perfect timing, our paths will meet. And when it does, there probably wouldn't be fireworks, or ringing bells, or singing animals. But we can prove to the world that it's still possible to live happily ever after.

Wishing that I would be forever yours,

Me.♥